Pushing Through the Fog

Journal Entry

May 10, 2011

Nygård, Sweden

I met the world with great resistance today. After a night full of nightmares and great anxiety, I awoke to a bird slamming head first into my bedroom window. I got out of bed only because of my morbid curiosity of whether or not the gleaming window, now smudged and marked with the morning dew from the birds wings, had been the demise of this feathery creature. It was not. I mustered up just enough energy to make it to the toilet before I peed myself, my bladder full due to the nightmare induced fears, and inability to grab through the dark for a light switch.

Even through my morning mind fog, I still had a glimmer of hope that I might find some inspiration and forward movement to my day. I decided to take 20 minutes to meditate and listen to my Lamas Chants cd. This was a good start, I thought, noting that according my daily To Do list, this was number one. I somehow managed to pull my mind out of the negative space it inhabited somewhere between the dream about the cast of Parenthood dying in a terrorist attack, and the one about missing my flight for my big Around the World trip. My mind was now in the right place. My body, however, still wanted to be in bed.

I lazed around for several hours. In that time, I went through all levels of emotion: hope, fear, blame, worry, loneliness, regret. I began to wonder if I had made the right decision in coming all the way out here. I am 28 years old. I should be finishing Grad school, or even my PhD! I shouldn’t be traveling and living off of someone else’s dime, even if I AM in love with him. Am I crazy? What am I going to do in two months when my loans come due, and I have hardly worked in almost a year? And who am I kidding asking people for almost $20,000 so that I can go travel the world and make videos of my adventures. Do people really care about my dreams and my adventures anyway? Wouldn’t they rather put the money toward a worthy cause, or even their own dreams?

I decided that I was spending too much time alone with my demons and inner critics. What I really need to do, is get the hell out of this house, and into the city to explore and meet people. But how? Well- I can ride into town with Jens on the week days and explore the city, and I can... wait! CouchSurfing! OH YES! I had forgotten completely that I had signed up for this travelers website ages ago. I immediately went to the website, and spent, admittedly, way too long updating my profile and emailing a few people who seemed interesting. One women, a documentary film maker, seems incredibly interesting and promising. Another, a guy from Gothenburg, just got back from an ATW trip, and could hold many promising tips for travel. Both could help me immensely in my project. YAY! Progress, and I haven’t yet left my couch... all morning long.

The sun was warm on my back, and the breeze beckoned me. I still did not have enough energy to move. Finally I decided that if I couldn’t muster the energy to do the things I wanted to do, I could at least get started by getting some much needed cleaning done. I put on my Motivational Mix, and began to clean the cloths and junk from the floor that has been staring me down for the last two weeks. Already my energy began to flow a little more freely. Organizing felt good and productive. Eventually, my productivity gave way to inspiration, and as I went to put my computer away, I was struck with the desire to write. So here I sit, feeling a whole lot better about myself, and ready to stretch and dive back into my world of creativity, inspiration and adventure.

I may not be going at the pace I would like, but I am going. I am moving forward, I am accomplishing my dreams~ Like never before.